To be lost in oneself is not to be truly lost at all, but to be searching for what was once considered found.
Running and Running away forever. Never looking back. Never regretting. Never wishing I hadn’t.
Well, owls are the symbol of Athena, the goddess of Wisdom and War. They are the symbol because their eyes are so big, but in actuality they are the stupidest bird and have the smallest brain in ratio to their size. To me, this just proves the point that if you look a certain way, eventually people will assume that you are.
FURTHERMORE, the Tawny Owl, my favorite owl, who looks like this:
are my favorites because they are fiercely loyal and protective, and will die for their young OR MATE, which brings me to my next point,
The tawny owl is monogamous.
ALSO, Shakespeare and Longfellow both wrote amazing verses about Owls.
FURTHERMORE, Owls have been considered an omen of bad luck and death by the Native Americans which is really interesting to me.
ALSO, they have adapted so well to be one of the best predators.
THEY ARE SO GORGEOUS AND TERRIFYING AT THE SAME TIME.
Have you ever met one in person? So pretty.
I have insomnia and they are nocturnal so I also identify that way.
I’m just going to put this on my blog.
Why is everyone so concerned.
I’m not.
At least I pretend
not
to be.
I no longer care.
I’m not Lucas.
I’m not.
Who I once
was.
to read it just as if I were saying it to you in a conversation.
How I would read it in MY voice.
A little too dramatic.
Sarcastic.
Bitchy; in a funny way.
Witty.
Dry.
A touch of Melancholia, when it gets to the rough parts.
but only enough of a nostalgic “look what I’ve been through” sort of attitude.
I want to make people laugh.
I want to make people depressed.
I want to convey emotion.
Sometimes, I read stories to people, and they cry, yet, I’ve been thinking this entire time that it’s the most hillarious shit I’ve ever come up with.
Think of me when you read this work.
Think of Empathy,
Think of My humor.
Think of my style,
My flair.
Please,
Don’t allow poetry to become this impersonal thing, like it was never written by someone.
We were watching that subaru commercial, with the stuffed animals and stuff, jumping out of the plane blah blah blah.
ANYWAY,
He said :
“I hate this commercial. They remind me of clowns. & I am frightened of clowns. & Clowns pretend to be happy, but on the inside, they are sad. And depressed, and suicidal….and MURDERERS.”
To do my writing and My art in a fresh and more inspiring environment.
I need to realize what I need. Is that weird? I’m being weird. I HATE THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER.
But what I really like is when conflict is resolved.
I want him to be happy.
When he is sad it makes my depression and anxiety so much worse.
Because I care about him so much.
But I know if I felt like he was keeping things from me I would JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
I always have this constant feeling like he is going to leave me.
Like I care about him so much more than he does me.
Is that weird? Like a complex or something?
He walked in and I couldn’t help but stare. He was so beautiful in so many ways. Not abercrombie beautiful. Not hollywood beautiful. Not european beautiful. He set off an effortless presence of everything that I believed to be beauty. He glowed with an effervescence that blinded me. I couldn’t see anything but him. I couldn’t speak to him because I knew, that I would be too loud. Or too obnoxious. Or too something. But the way he looked at me, told me he didn’t care. He didn’t care. He asked my name. He asked my age. He asked my hobbies and small talk. He saw my book. He asked me to read to him. I read him a poem I wrote about the sun sparkling like diamonds in my eyes. I looked up at him. He told me that I was talented. Everyone around me dissipated. He got me coffee. He brushed my hand as he gave it to me. Held my other and told me to keep reading. I couldn’t. Asked me what he could do to let me love again. Asked me what happened. When they told me he wasn’t what he appeared to be, I didn’t believe them. He was my own little piece of everything I needed. Then he showed me how love wasn’t subjective, it was objective. Though, I wasn’t the only one he was loving.
That night was so perfect.
He loved me so much. I loved him more than I knew I could. He is one of, if not the only person who has ever known me truly. My soul, and my mind. He is not the type of person who you stick with because of how pretty he is. He is the type of person who you stay with because you know that no matter what happens, he will always be there for you, and have your back. Like he does, to this day, like how he still checks on me and sees how I am doing. Like how he puts up with my awkward sex jokes even though we aren’t dating anymore. How he said Kyle wasn’t cute because he knew that what was I wanted to hear. How I can ask him anything to this day, and he will always answer honestly. I know he will always be in my heart. I love him.
If reality is subjective,which I fully believe it is,
that means everything is subjective.
Which means you can bend and manipulate your own personal reality.
which means you can control how you percieve things.
Which means you can bend your emotions.
But, if you are controlling how you percieve things,
would that make you insane?
But atleast you would be happy……
Right?
AND I’M LIKE………..but….but….but…
TUMBLR.
Then he is like, “Nope. You can talk to your blog people later come on.”
BLOG PEOPLE?
YOU MEAN MY REAL FAMILY?!?!?!?!
Whatever, fuck it. So, I walked outside and my dad was like, trotting me around the yard like a puppy showing me what I had to do. My dad isn’t creatively minded at all except for in writing, so I am usually the one who has to do the hedge trimming. SO, hes like, go get the clippers.
SO I GOT THE CLIPPERS. They are stainless steel clippers with a two foot blade.
WHY WOULD HE LET ME HAVE THESE HE KNOWS I AM CRAZY. I just got suspended for beating a bitch. I am like,
ANYWAY,
I put on Sweeney Todd. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.
It was the worst during “My friends.” and The Intro music/no place like London and the finale.
THOSE POOR BUSHES.
So, I am like halfway done, and he comes out of the garage with a CHAINSAW.
He was all “You want to use this?”
SO I go in and get all the extension chords, and finally plug it the fuck in, and turn it on.
OH MY SWEET GHERKINS. THIS THING.
Anyway, My dad was like,
“since you finished up quick, run next door to the Sermania’s and trim up some of there stuff.
I looked at him from the brim of my glasses and said
“I’m always happy to oblige my friends and neighbors”
AND RAN AWAY LIKE A FUCKING CRAZY ASS.
He called after me but I just ran with the chainsaw.
Their poor bushes……………………………………………….
p.s.
I FOUND A FUCKING DEAD RAT IN OUR AIR VENT OMG.
So scary.
So, it wasn’t as good as talking with SAM and eat-friends or whatever but fine.
It was kinda fun.
THis was dumb.
Only sam will read it and collin would think it was funny but he probably wont read it but its okay because I love sam.
